To honor October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, The Finley Project is sharing Guest Blogs.
“Two Months Since”
It has been two months since losing Greyson. Only 8 weeks. Sometimes it feels like yesterday… I have returned to work, I have returned to school for my bachelor’s degree. Family and friends have returned to normal. I get less condolences and less sympathies from the community.
They have been replaced with fearful looks that are filled with anxiety. Some people seem terrified when they see me!! I sometimes giggle internally, I find it humorous that others become so uncomfortable around me.
I don’t want them to be! They are afraid of what to say, or afraid of what I am going to say…. Or they are afraid that I am going to become a basket case and cry… who knows? While funny, it is frustrating. Initially it hurt, but now I replaced that hurt with laughs. There is such a stigma associated with stillbirth.
Why does loss and death have to be so uncomfortable or terrifying? Why can’t we openly share our loss and gift with others? Yes I lost my son, but I also had a son. I want to share him. I want to rejoice at how beautiful and proud I am of him. And its sad… sad that I cant openly share him with others without making others uncomfortable.
But I don’t want to stay silent. I want to share him with the world! So that’s why I am so open and share my story. I want everyone to cherish what a blessing he has been and will continue to be. I don’t want to suffer in silence, and I don’t want Greyson to be silenced.
While I still get tearful daily, I am finding more reasons to smile. I find that I don’t want to take anything for granted. I want to cherish moments and be a better person. While depression and anxiety are still an issue, I am focusing bettering myself… for my family and I.
Walking has been such a blessing. It helps release all the sadness and anxiety. I continue to rely on specific family and friends when I am overcome with grief. Most become uncomfortable when I reach out to them, so I selected individuals that I text or call when I need to vent or share with. While I feel like a burden, and feel guilty, I recognize that I need support from those individuals to survive this.
I have been a caregiver my whole life, I want to take care of others… love on others. However, at this point in my life, I need to rely on others to love and support me. I need care. Its hard accepting that. Its hard to accept change. Its hard to accept that I am a changed person. I will never be the same.
I suffered one of the most traumatic experiences one can suffer. Birth is bringing new life into the world. Mine was a still birth… a still born. An oxymoron to the extreme. I brought new life into the world… that was dead. Good God, how did I even survive this? How am I still functioning and breathing? Only God’s grace and the love of others has allowed me to survive.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was diagnosed with this a long time ago, from other trauma I experienced. But now I really have it. This was the ultimate trauma that I have experienced. And now I really need counseling and have started seeing a therapist. I want to cope the best way I can.
I just started, so we will see how it goes. She encouraged me to get active in a hobby. I shared with her how some women and I are starting a local support group. She thought that was an excellent idea. Because there are no resources locally for what I went through.
But you know, one thing I have noticed? I have noticed that I have so many special people in my life that have really supported me. Then there are people who I love dearly, who have not been around. At the darkest moment in my life, and they don’t support me. Its sad.
I recognize they are uncomfortable… but I need them. And I feel so alone, almost abandoned by people. I feel like I have been a good person and have been there for them… but maybe not? I want to take this experience and be a better person, but I am bitter and angry.
The one thing I want others to gain from this blog is that we need you. We still need you. Even if it has been a few months, or years, we still need you. So embrace us. Embrace the daddies that lost their babies too. Let us talk about our babies.
We don’t intend to make you uncomfortable, and it is unhealthy for us to keep it in, and feel ashamed to mention their names. Support us. Let us be open about our precious children. Even though they are in Heaven, they are still our children, and we are proud of them… just like you are proud of yours.