Tales of a Floating Grieving Mom – Part I


With my arms out wide and my hair floating in the chlorine-saturated water, I began to have an intense conversation with God last weekend. As I floated in the water, looking up at the grey colored clouds, I began to pour out my complete and utter frustration with Him.

You see, in this moment, when no one else was around and it was just me and God, I cried out to Him. Many months of sacrifice, criticism, frustration, loneliness, darkness, tears, hurt, abandonment, anger, rage, compulsion, irritation. It all piled into this time with the Lord. I felt like I was sinking.

I had come to a place where I was questioning everything. I felt like I was back at square one. Almost back to the day my entire world changed. Back to the day I saw my daughter take her last supported breath here on earth. I felt like my pain stricken heart went around and around with no end.

In days past, I could rationalize what happened and say God had a plan, but when someone said something rude to me about The Finley Project or if I was not asked for an entire week how I was doing, I began to wonder how I was going to get through this for the rest of my life. The pain and feelings never left…

I began to ask God “where have You been?….if You know the plans You have for me, then why did You allow Finley to die? Why am I floating in this pool alone? Why did my husband leave me to do this all alone?” I guess you could say I was having a legitimate pity pool party.

As I began to ask God these things, I ended up challenging Him. I hadn’t seen Him recently so I thought or heard Him speak clearly, even with much prodding. So in the middle of that pool, on that overcast Sunday day, this grieving mom told God He needed to show up BIG that week or else I was going to give up. I didn’t even know what giving up really meant, but it felt like all I knew to say.

I asked God to show me Himself so clearly and boldly that I couldn’t deny He hadn’t forgotten about me.

I finally got out of the pool, with pruney hands and a tired heart. I was skeptical that God would show up…But boy was this lady wrong.

The next day I got home late from Griefshare. I walked into my home with my dogs anxiously awaiting my arrival. I was NOT anxiously a waiting what I saw next. An envelope laid on the counter with the dreaded IRS label. I reluctantly opened the envelope and started reading the letter included.

“ Dear Applicant, We are please to inform you that upon your application for tax exempt status we have determined that you are exempt from the Federal Income tax under section 501c3…”

I thought it was a joke. I had been told by the Philanthropy Center and the IRS website, that the average time for review and/or approval is 8-12 months.

All those hours and weeks spent putting together over 35 pages of paperwork!! This letter meant it took 3 weeks for my paperwork to get approved.

I began to dial my phone frantically. All I could say to my friend Gabby was “God showed up! I cannot believe this! He heard my pity party pool request!!” She laughed so hard and said over and over “That’s incredible.”

This floating grieving mom realized that God showed up that day and wanted to remind her of His promise to walk with her and never leave her. I think the pool is calling this Floating Grieving mom again, don’t you?

Shannon CalderonComment