Divorce After Infant Loss – A Secret Society
We have become a part of a Secret Society, filled with strange rituals of survival, chanting which often “sounds” like crying and allusive handshakes. We don’t want anyone to know so we fake the funk and move to just keep moving.
This society is a group we never signed up for or endured a week of rushing events for….It’s a “hush-hush” group, where people elude to it, but no one wants to act like its real.
We rush into churches to find their “Divorce” group, only to feel ashamed, embarrassed and overwhelmed. Our grief is so complicated. Our loneliness is double because of our already unimaginable death of our child.
We search on shelves at big box bookstores in the Christian section for a book on divorce…there is none.
Once again we are reminded that we are apart of a movement that no one wants to deal with…even in the Christian world.
Some people may say, “but there are things out there for Divorced people”…My response, “where is there something to deal with Divorce after Infant loss?”
The first blog I wrote on Divorce after Infant Loss was read by over 13,000 people, four times as many people who read my blogs typically.
So what am I saying here? During the most horrific time of a parent’s life, marriages go through hell. Emotions flare up; harsh words are thrown around like a football at recess. Emotions are raw, new and untapped. Dealing with the death of the most precious thing on earth is one thing, but learning how to handle each other’s grief is another thing.
People often ask me, “Why don’t you think couples are drawn closer together? You would think that would be the case?” My response, “I agree, but more often than not, it’s not the case.
The reason, I believe, is this: Men want to fix things. That is what they do best. It’s in their nature. They are born with tools in their hands and solutions for broken things. Women need to feel. They are born with an awareness of heart and love and all things lovely. Men want to solve things, while women want to understand. And therein lies the problem. While women are coping and processing, Men are looking at what was done, what needs to be next and how can they move forward. They are moving in the HOV lane, while women are still in their driveway, contemplating how to even turn the key to start their car.
The secret society of those marriages that are struggling after Infant loss or who have had Divorce after Infant loss are hard to find. The society is so hidden that many feel alone. There are almost no statistics on Divorce after infant loss for this very reason. The shame and pain is too much on top of the loss for couples to admit, so that they tuck away and hide out for self-preservation and survival.
I don’t know what the answer is to making those walking through horrible pain in their marriage after Infant loss or even Divorce after Infant loss? Maybe the one solution is continuing to bring it to light this issue like I am here. Maybe a counselor will hold seminars to help hurting couples….maybe an established author will tackle this subject. Maybe even a profound Christian author at that.
The bottom line is that men and women grieve completely differently, couples are struggling, marriages are ending and people need help. Would you be willing to continue on this journey of discovery and awareness with me as I share?
(NOTE: These things stated in this blog are generalizations. This is not everyone’s response to Infant Loss. This is not clinically based, nor is it everyone’s experience. This is just my raw take on Divorce after Infant Loss. )