Divorce After Infant Loss: I wish
By Noelle Moore, Founder & Executive Director of The Finley Project
It has been almost six years. Six years since my entire life changed. Six years that I have worn a new lens - one that is not naive. Six years since the greatest earthly joy left my arms. Six years since my husband made a choice to leave.
It hurts, but not as much.
It’s hard to understand, but my anger towards him has turned towards compassion.
I wish he knew.
I wish he knew he didn’t have to walk the grief journey alone.
I wish he knew I didn’t hate him.
I wish he knew that my heart aches knowing that he has to live with the fact he left us.
No, I don’t talk to him.
No, I never have known exactly why he left.
No, I don’t understand.
Marriage after infant loss is hard, but divorce is harder. I hate it. I hate divorce in general, but to have the one person who should stand by you, walk out during the greatest pain, is horrific.
I have talked with mothers contemplating divorce and beg them not to do it. It doesn’t usually make anything better. It’s just a bandaid that covers a wound, one that people don’t want to look at….
I don’t blame my ex-husband, but do wish things could have been different. I do wish life could have gone on and we could have had more children together. I do wish we could share the pain because no one knows it like he and I, however that is not the case. He is on his own journey and I wish the best for him.
I have found meaning in my pain. I have seen purpose from Finley’s death. I have known the love of God like I have never known it before. I have discovered peace in a way I never knew possible. I wish everyone could know this peace.